Richard Simmons Would Be So Proud!!!

I decided years ago that exercising was not for me.

I just hated it and was so lazy that I would get exhausted even at the thought of putting on my work out cloths. Also, it never helped me lose any weight. I think it was (and still is) because I could only concentrate on one thing at a time, either exercise or eating right. When I tried to do both, I would inevitably fail in one, usually the eating thing.

Several months after giving birth to my second son I decided that I would concentrate on one of these things, the eating right part. And I did. And I lost about 30 pounds over a six month period. I was thrilled but as everyone who's lost weight knows, losing it is just the first part. Keeping it off is (and has been) the hardest part.



But this post is not about losing weight. It's about exercise and all the benefits that I never really believed in or considered.



I always saw exercise as having one purpose, to lose weight. If it wasn't going to help with that then why the hell would I even do it?



But in the last couple of months a few things I've read have started to change my mind. The first was Chris' post about what running meant to her. I loved the way she described how running created a unique time and place for her and how the physical movement of it kept her sane...a natural Prozac she called it. I remembered her words and would even tell friends about it when discussed exercise and my staunch position against it (for myself anyway).



The other thing that has inspired me has been Christy's amazing drive to get in shape. Wow! Talk about taking on a project and running with it (hehehehe...did you like that?).


And then a few days ago I read a great piece about how the first thing you do in the morning sets the tone for your day. It's a simple notion but reading it and thinking about it really had an impact on me.


Since I left the traditional in-the-office kind of work I have struggled at times to get myself motivated to be productive all day. I usually get some things done but on many days I dilly dally and just don't do as much as I'd like.


Also, I found that at times, on those dark and gloomy days, my mind wonders to sad places and I start to depress myself with silly thoughts of what ifs and whys.


So this Monday, I woke up and decided that I would try the whole setting the tone of your day thing by going to the gym.


Now, if you know me at all you know that I just don't do the gym thing. God knows people have tried to motivate me to go (including myself) but nothing has ever consistently worked.


I went as an experiment to see how it would change my day.


The results of those 20 minute on the elliptical machine really surprised me. Here is what happened that day:


1. I really enjoyed the walk to the gym and the walk home. It's a short walk but feeling the breeze on my face, basking in the silence of no kids and no work, and having time with my own thoughts felt great.


2. The actual time on the elliptical wasn't bad at all. I told myself that I only had to do 15 minutes but I did 20 and it didn't suck. I watched TV while doing it (are you surprised? Hello, I need entertainment!) but I got a good sweat going and was really thrilled.


3. The whole doing something positive first thing in the morning really worked for me. I was proud of myself for that little achievement and in turn I was in a much better mood than usual. I noticed while doing errands later in the day that people were being so nice to me. At first I couldn't figure out why and then I realized that I was smiling and happy so it must have just rubbed off on them. Positive energy is contagious...or so I told myself.


4. That time spent actually doing the physical exercise helped me clear my head of all the clutter and stress. For that 40 minutes from the time I left my house to the time I got home, I didn't think about the bad stuff.


5. It's got to have some positive impact on my ticker!


On Tuesday, I woke up and went again. Same positive results.


On Wednesday morning I weighed myself. I had gained a pound!!


Damn it. I knew this exercise thing didn't work. Stupid exercise. It tricked me into feeling good. I was pissed even though I had told myself that it wasn't about the losing weight thing.


But I guess in the back of my mind I somehow wished the weight would melt off with the power of my positive energy and sweat...in TWO days! I know, I'm nuts.


So I said to myself, screw it, I'm not going anymore. I'm going to just crawl into my bed and pull the covers over my head. Then I'm going to just hang on the couch with the kids until my conference call.


Then it suddenly hit me. Hey dummy, you're not going to lose weight, remember? You're going so that you can set a positive tone to your day and if you don't get anything else out of it, that one thing is well worth the effort.


So I went again today and it was just as satisfying as Monday and Tuesday.


Three days d0es not a routine make but who knows, maybe it is the start of something good.

Taking The Time To Gain Perspective

I'd like to say that the reason that I haven't posted that much is because I've been so busy painting my heart out but that wouldn't be true.

The truth is that I haven't even picked up a brush.

Finishing my one year of blogging felt great and now I don't know what relationship to have with this medium anymore. There are so many things that I still want to write about and share with you but somehow when I go to write it down I feel awkward.

The subjects of my thoughts seem so trivial in light of everything else happening in the world. And even though I feel so strongly about them one minute, the next they breeze past me and they are gone without leaving any impression on me at all.

I know, that sounds strange.

One minute I'm dying to tell you about how important I think it is to get away from everything in your life for a short time to recharge your batteries and how amazing it feels to gain perspective and a rejuvenated sense of your purpose and the next I find my fingers frozen and not able to express a single thought about the subject.

Here is where I am right now. I went away for a few days. I had a great time with my husband and friends. A few times I felt sad and cried because I missed my kids. They had a great time with loved ones and friends.

But the best part of being away was this...I had time to think about them, what I'm doing for them and myself, what I love in my life, what is not important, what I can let go of without fearing that I've lost control.

I realized that I can slow down my mind. That I don't always have to be thinking all those big thoughts...what if, what next, which goal, when, how, why.

The day after I got back I woke up with no thoughts other than my boys (my husband was still away on business). I spent the entire day talking to them, listening to them, playing, reading, walking, eating, and just being. It might sound simple to most people but for me, to do these things without any distraction, whether it be work, house chores, life struggles, inner turmoil, world issues, family obligations and worries, is just HARD.

It's hard for me to clear my head of all the stuff and just be in the moment, all day, calm, happy, relaxed with my children, with no thoughts of anything else, no plans, no deadlines, no chores, nothing but them and me.

It was so wonderful. I hope I can do that more often. Force myself to let go of everything, turn it off, and just be.

Monday morning I will have to step into my home office and get back to work, both the kind that pays and the kind that does not. I will have to tackle the dozens of things on my to do list and inevitably I will get mired down in the stress of it all.

But I will remember these wonderful days and I will try a little harder to take more days "off" where I shut out the world and just be with my boys.

The Oldies and Goodies!

Sometimes I forget the sweetness of old friends.

The last few days I've been able to spend time with a few of my dear girl friends. I've known these women since we were young girls. Young innocent girls entering womanhood with lots of questions and hopes. Now we are together as mothers and wives.

It has been so wonderful to be with then and talk about our the challenges and joys of our lives. In some ways we haven't changed a bit. We still giggle in the same ways and have mannerism and quirks that we've always had. But in other ways we are completely different than those naive girls from twenty years ago.

It's this dichotomy that makes the relationship so wonderful and unique. I loved being with them. It made me feel like I was part of something real. That I belonged to something meaningful.

Before I went to high school I moved around a great deal, not only between different schools but between different countries. I never felt like I was truly part of something.

But high school, and these friends, changed that for me. And now twenty years later it means a great deal to me that my friendship with these amazing women has persevered.

Old friends are the best!

Seattle

In Seattle with my husband. Having a great time. It's so amazing to have some adult time. To feel like a woman. Like a different kind of entity than the one that you are all other days with your beautiful children.

It feels so great. You laugh (a little too loud) as you sip a glass of chilled white wine and eat delicious appetizers. You feel young and free.

But you also feel incomplete somehow. Even when you are lost in your good time there is still a part of you that wishes you were with your kids because that's the only time that you feel at peace.

Funny moment in Seattle:

Me: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get to the ferry?

Man: Sure. You go down this street to the second Starbucks, then turn right, keep walking until you get to a Starbucks and then you'll see the ferry on your left.

Seattle loves Starbucks.

:)

Ocean of Self Doubt

Last night during a conversation with my girlfriends I started on a long rant about my mother guilt.

Oh, poor me, I feel guilty about:

1. Not spending enough time with the kids.

2. Working too much (in my home office).

3. Pursuing my passions (writing and/or painting) at the time expense of being with the kids.

4. Having a babysitter helping with the kids and house chores.

5. Taking a trip away from my kids.

Well, the list goes on and on.

The conversation was with mostly stay at home moms. We talked about how some of us had all these ambitions, passions, creative outlets that we wanted to pursue and some of us were happy with being a mom and had no other ambitions beyond that. How some us are consumed from time to time by questions about what is right for our kids and ourselves and others don't really think about it that much and live life day by day. And how some of us think too much about everything and should just relax and enjoy life (that would be me!).

Later that night I thought more about all the things we had talked about and I was glad for the conversation. But I have to admit that it was difficult for me. Difficult to admit that I compare myself to other mothers and wonder at times whether I am doing the right thing. I mean who wants to admit that they question the way they live their life and the kind of mother they are. No one.

But for some reason I do it all the time. Thankfully, at the end of my debate (with myself and with others) I usually come to the conclusion that I'm OK.

I don’t need to feel guilty. I need to be proud and grateful for the things in my life (and the decisions I’ve made):

1. I quit my office job knowing that I might lose a career that I worked for over 15 years to build all so that I could be home with my kids.

2. Even though I’m at home, I still get to do challenging work a few hours a week on my terms.

3. I am so lucky to have a great support system that I love and trust, like my neighbors (I seriously love you), my sitter (more like family), and my dear husband, parents and friends.

4. My kids are happy and healthy (thank God). And they feel loved and safe, which is what I strive for every day.

I just wish I could remember these things when I’m swirling in my ocean of self doubt.

Toddler Art

I've been feeling so guilty lately. Not only am I working more, now I'm starting this new project which will take up the rest of my time. Between the work, painting and my general house stuff, my poor kids will be getting the attention shaft, so to speak. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what my priorities should be in my life.

They need to be about my kids.

So today, I decided that any time that I have after work and necessary house stuff, will be spent with the kids and if I want to do something creative and enriching for me (like painting) then I'll have to find a way that I can share that with my children.

And that's what I'm doing. The boys and I went to an art store today. It was like being kids in a candy store. All three of us were so excited about getting our new art supplies. I bought them water paints, little easels and plastic pallets.

When we got home, I put together their easels and set up their own little painting areas next to me. I spent the rest of the afternoon just watching them do wonderful paintings while I took a thousand pictures.

The only bad part of my new art initiative was when I saw how expensive the oil paints were. I was so surprised. The last time I bought paints was over ten years ago and back then I was single and apparently had no problem blowing that kind of money on my hobby. These days I'm so conservative with money that to spend eight dollars on a small tube of paint is incomprehensible.

So for now, I will use my fifteen year old paints that are leaking and gooey and see how it goes from there.

New Blog, New Year, New Format

Hi lovely ladies!

OK, here is what I'm going to do. A new blog, a new challenge, a new format. Why not?

I'm still thinking of a name for it but it's going to be very similar to this blog but I'll be using my real name and documenting my journey through my one year painting challenge. What do you think?

Also, I've decided that I'll close this blog. I'd like to somehow transfer to the content of my year of blogging to my computer (or even print them out in an orderly way). I remember someone mentioned a company that would make your blog into a book. I'm thinking of doing that too, unless it's cost prohibitive.

I'm SO excited. I hope you guys will come over to my new blog, once I can figure out where to host it and what to call it. Is blogger the best? Should I look at another host?

I'd love your advice!! :)

Too Much Time On My Hands

I've been so down today.

There are a few contributing factors. One is world politics. It makes me so sad when I read about such hardship and injustice in the world. Especially when that injustice is connected to me through my culture and home country.

I've been so emotional about it. I start crying every time I read stories about the political unrest. It's not just the unrest itself that makes me sad (although that's devastating too), it's the injustice of the governments' suppressing the will of their people.

I called my brother to talk about it. You know what he said? "You have too much time on your hands!"

He's busy trying to make a living in this terrible economy and has no time to worry about world political unrest.

Maybe he's right. Maybe I should just concentrate on taking care of my family (and myself) and try to enjoy the life I have.

And maybe I should avoid reading the news. Instead I should just be grateful for each day that I'm fortunate enough to have this wonderful life.

Great Silent Auction - Take A Look!

My good friend Kate had the following on her blog and I had to share it. The story is both heartbreaking and inspiring. A husband raising money for his wife's medical expenses through a fantastic silent auction which you must peruse!!!

Last June, Carol Decker had an emergency cesarean section after which she developed life-threatening hypertension from a septic pneumonia infection. During treatment that saved her life she had to have both legs below the knee and her left arm amputated. She is also blind. The already significant medical bills have added up and will continue to do so as she goes through rehabilitation. You can read more about Carol's story on her husband's blog.To help defray these costs many donors have contributed to a silent auction.

The auction ends tomorrow so go over and bid on something. I'm thinking of doing the children's wall art with the boy flying the plane.


Here are some images of the items up for auction:





Now go take a look! :)

Painting?

So I've been thinking a lot about a painting challenge of some sort for the next year but I'm not sure what the scope of it should be or even if painting is the right thing for me to try.

Up sides, it's very creative and I enjoy the process (and usual the outcome). Also, beside being able to fill my empty walls, which I've dreamt of doing for many years, I might even be able to sell a few (this is a long shot but why not try?) or give away some as gifts.

Down sides, it's messy, requires a lot of space, it's more expensive than a lot of creative outlets, it's very time intensive, it messy, did I mention that it was messy?

I'm still thinking about it but just writing down the up and downs has helped.

A New Challenge

OK, here's what I've decided. I want another challenge. Something that will push me into a new place. Something fun, interesting, heart wrenching, and hard!

I gave myself a year to experiment with writing and although I've loved it and gained a great deal from it creatively, I've also been surprised by its measly financial potential (for me anyway). The return on investment in written seems to be, from what I've seen in the last twelve months, just...how should put this...pathetic.

I know it's not about the money, of course it's not about the money, but when you put so much of your heart and soul, and time, into something part of the reward needs to be financial. It's the financial value society puts on that creativity that was surprising to me.

But what I have also seen is that even though the value might not be in dollars, it is something that is just as precious (well, almost) and that is respect. The respect that I've garnered from friends and strangers for writing and publishing a three page story has blown my mind.

I've been a lawyer for over 12 years and at no time have I seen the look of admiration or wonder in people's eyes when they talk to be about the story I published. There are very few things in life that can connect people like words on a page.

I will always write. But now I realize that it might not be a realistic alternative career for me (if I ever fully give us law). So I'll try something else.

Whatever I do (I have a few thoughts), I'll either keep this blog or create a new one but I will definitely stay connected to you guys somehow.

Virtual Party!

Welcome to my blogaversary party! I hope you enjoy the virtual champagne and cake I've bought for our celebration.

It was one year ago that I wrote my first post. The post about the Golden Girls kicking Sex and the City's butt. How appropriate is that? A post about strong sassy opinionated women that did it their way. I dare to see myself

that way. Strong in some ways, sassy a lot of the time and opinionated, well I was pretty much born opinionated.

Regarding the anniversary, I'm proud to say I managed to write every single day for an entire year. One or two nights I wrote my post way after midnight so they showed up with the next day's date but I wrote at least one post every single day.

Why on earth would I push myself to do this? Most of you know why. I'm a little crazy...and intense, and just stubborn and when I make a promise, I get hell bent on following through. And I made this promise not only to myself but also to the blogosphere.

So here we are a year and apparently 393 posts later (according to my blog dashboard) and I'm not sure what I've accomplished exactly.

I've played with words, I've gotten stuff off my chest, I've made a few fantastic friends (that includes you!!!) and I've tried a totally new thing.

I guess that's something....something great! :)

Keeping The Mystery Alive

Do you ever have the urge to tell your husband about your previous boyfriends or to ask him about his dating past?

I do. And it drives my husband crazy. He doesn't want to hear about any dating stories from my past and he especially doesn't want to hear about any guy from my past. And when I ask him about his past, he says that he knows me too well and that it will come back and bite him in the butt if he tells me anything. Like I'm some kind of jealous nut...OK to be fair I might be just a teeny tiny bit of a jealous nut.

Part of me totally understands why he wants us to keep our dating past to ourselves. We love each other and will be sharing our life forever so what does it matter who we dated in the past? But part of me doesn't get the no telling thing. Shouldn't he want to know me completely, past dating life and all?

And aren't I mature enough to be able to handle hearing about his ex-girlfriends and whatever ups and downs his dating life endured before he met me? If we completely love each other, shouldn't we want to completely know each other, past and present?

Every time we talk about this issue (including tonight) he sticks to his position and doesn't tell me anything about his dating past. And as much as I want to share funny stories about my past dating life, joys and humiliations alike, when I see him cringe at the mere mention of the word date in reference to my life before him, I feel bad and let it go.

It's not something I care that much about or even think about but sometimes when I'm teasing him about the mystery of our pasts, I wonder if we'll ever feel the need or desire to reveal all to each other.

Big Bad Society Ladies and Their Nannies

Have you seen the Nannie Diaries? I had started the book years ago but had put it down because I found it stupid. But tonight since my husband is out of town I thought I'd watch a silly chick flick. And silly it was.

I know it's based on a book written by a nanny that catered to the NY elite but I just can't believe that the portrayal of those mothers and fathers in the movie reflects reality. There were cliches upon cliches. The big bad rich people against the moral loving working class.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are mothers and fathers out there that neglect their kids (although it breaks my heart to think about it) but to say that the rich society women and the uber successful workaholic men refuse to care about their children in a substantive way seems stupid and very two dimensional.

The movie was not great, to say the least. I like Scarlett Johansson and Laura Linney is a great actress but even these two lovely ladies couldn't save this lame script.

Boxes of Memories

Have you ever given away any of your baby/children's cloths?

I haven't. I can't let go of even a single piece of clothing that my kids have worn. A big part of it is that I still think about having another one sometimes although as time goes on, I'm more and more convinced that I don't want (and probably will not have) another child. But it's more than that. I just feel connected to those little pieces of cloth. Like they're part of my life, my history, my family. I feel weird letting them go.

My mother-in-law has kept many of my husband's clothes from when he was a child. Now, forty years later, my boys are wearing a few of the same things that my husband wore when he was their age. This just affirms my irrational connection to my own children's things. What if I want to pass them along to my grandchildren, or if not them, maybe my nephews which are all yet to be born.

So now my attic is filled with over a dozen big boxes filled with children's clothes, accessories and equipment. And I wonder how many years I will be keeping them before they'll go to any use.

One Minute To The Next

I know my experiences as a mother are not unique but sometimes I wonder if other women have such highs and lows within the same day, hour or even minute.

One minute I want to totally engulf myself in my boys and think my heart will burst from the happiness I feel being with them, looking at them, hearing their voices.  But only moments later, I want to run away from them and hide under the covers.  I want to be alone, single, free.

One minute I think they are the cutest sweetest boys ever and pat myself on the back for raising such good boys.  And the next, I cringe at their behavior and wonder how I went so wrong in their discipline.

One minute I want to run and get the camera to capture that oh-so-cute moment, completely sure that they are the funniest or the smartest boys in the world.  The next, I just want to run.

One minute I feel light as a feather with my family lifting my spirits but the next I feel the heaviest shackle around my neck from them.

Is that normal?

Empty

I've officially run out of things to write about.  I was about to do this long post about the movie Juno and how great I think it is and how it makes me cry every single time I see it and then I realized that I've already written a post about that exact thing.

And I'm not about to write the same thing twice so I'm here to announce that I'm officially empty.

Empty.

But if I were going to write about Juno again, I would talk about how sweet the story line between those two teenagers was, and how creepy that husband was to be flirting with a sixteen year old pregnant girl.  And finally I would have written about how well they portrayed the very complicated issue of teen pregnancy, adoption, infertility, and the beautiful drive of a woman to have a baby.

My Meeting W/ Britney Spears

A random thought:

Britney Spears' boys and my boys are almost exactly the same ages.  I saw them playing together on Access Hollywood (a show that drives my husband crazy so I only watch on rare occasions) and they looked so cute and so similar to my boys.

That means that we were pregnant about the same time, we breast-fed our boys around the same time....we were new moms "together."  

Sure she's a huge pop star that lives a totally bizarre life and I'm more or less a regular stay at home mom living in the pseudo suburbs, but I wonder whether if we met and talked we would have our mom thing in common.

It's not like I sit around thinking about Britney Spears and our fantasy meeting, but I wonder if a girl (she's in her early 20s, right?) that has made the kind of decisions that she has made (namely the kind that makes a court award custody of her kids to her husband) would still have enough "normal" mom experiences and feelings to connect to a mom like me.

Would we be able to connect in a meaningful way just because we were both moms to two boys around the same ages?

What Birthday?

Four years ago today, I was recovering from giving birth to my first son.  It had been eight days since his birth and I was still in a just-became-a-mommy haze.  

It was an amazing and crazy day (like most of those early days) dealing with a newborn, my husband at home and my parents, who were staying with us and helping us with everything.  

It was also my birthday.  My husband got a cake and we had a little BBQ in the backyard.  

That was my first birthday as a mom and it was also the first time that I didn't care at all about the celebration of that day.

It was not about me anymore, it was about him and then a year and a half later, also about my second son.  Before my sons were born, my birthday was big deal for me.  I really wanted that celebration, that attention, that recognition.  But once I had my boys, that day changed meaning for me.

Don't get me wrong, I still love celebrating my birthday (like tonight with friends, which was amazing...thank you guys!), but I don't need it like I did when I was single.

Does that make any sense?

  

Thank You Notes

Tomorrow is almost a year since I started this blog.

It's been such an amazing blog year.  I've loved being able to share all the ups and downs of my life and my crazy mind with you.  

Yesterday's post is a good example of how fun this has been.  Once minute my two-year-old tells me that he's not a snack and the next I'm thinking about how funny that is to post about.  Not only did my husband and I get a good laugh out of it but I was able to share it with my blog friends and get a few smiles from them.

How cool is that?

Share it with you make me laugh about it a dozen more times.

So I'd like to just say thank you so much for reading my blog and being part of my daily blog life.  It's a thrill to have you along for my journey.  You are AWESOME!  

Thank you Kate, Christy, Terry, Sherilee, Kim, Chris, Madge, Shelley, Mel, K, Coco, Katie t, Cha Cha, Anna, the wonderful CosmoGirls who have become one of the best parts of my life, and last but not least my mom who not only listens to my stories every day but also reads my posts.

If I didn't mention you it's because either it's late and my brain is too tired to think right or I just don't know that you read my blog, either way I'd like to thank YOU too!   :))))

The Good, the Bad and the Puke

This week has sucked so far and it's only tuesday night!

My four year old has a terrible virus with high fever and awful cough.  He refuses to take medicine (I had to force it down his throat which was not pretty but I was scared of his high fever).  Last night was one of those nights where sleep is not even an option as you run back and forth to comfort your child who's burning up and coughing his heart out.  I just lay next to him with a wet towel that I would brush his forehead with every few minutes.

Earlier that evening, I got into a strong discussion (aka fight) with one of the people I work with.  It started with an e-mail from me to her with instructions followed by her not understanding my e-mail and sending an incomplete contract to a customer for their signature.  It ended with a conversation that included some blaming on both sides.  Looking back I could have handled the whole thing a lot better.  We both ended up apologizing and we're totally fine but it totally stressed me out.  Part of it was that I was distracted with my sick son but I didn't want to tell her that.  I guess I would rather look harsh than distracted by my family matters.

Then today I was totally consumed with my son's illness.  Lots of awful moments of high fever, coughs all day long and some throwing up.

But even with all the suckiness, there were really sweet, funny parts:

I was kissing my two-year-old's face all over and in between giggling his head off, he shouted "I'M NOT A SNACK!"

I took my son to the doctor this morning.  He didn't want to go because of the possibility of getting a "pinch."  I assured him that he would not get a pinch today.  But he didn't seem to believe me so he said the following to every single person we saw, including our neighbor, the receptionist, the people in the waiting room, the nurse and the doctor, "hi!  I'm not getting a pinch today!!"  It made me laugh each time.

I was playing some classic rock while watching my kids and my two year old got up and said "I love this music" and started shaking his little bum around and punching his fists in the air saying "yeah!"

Life is good.

:)

Matchmaking

I wanted to ask you for you for some advice.

I have a friend whom I love so much. She is 34, beautiful, successful and just an amazing person. She had a hard divorce a few years ago. I'd love for her to meet someone great but I don't know even one single guy. So this is what I was thinking of doing. Tell me if this is weird or OK to do.

I was going to e-mail all my close girlfriends and ask them if they know of a great single guy in his thirties that is looking to meet a wonderful woman. I wouldn't do this kind of a thing in a million years but I want to help her find someone so that she can find the happiness she deserves. She'd love to have a family one day and I know she's be a great wife and mother.

She lives in another city but I figure if there are a few nice friends of friends that might be interested in meeting her, we could give them each other's e-mails and maybe exchange pictures and go from there. If things progress, she could come visit and we could set up a few casual meetings for them to talk.

There are so many things that are totally awkward about doing this and it might totally backfire but I feel like I should at least try.

What do you think?

Who Doesn't Love Boundaries

A good friend of mine (who also happens to be my cousin) was visiting this weekend.  We were talking about writing and I told her that I try to write something short every day.  She was curious.  I gave her the following question and asked her to write something.  Here is what she wrote.  My first "guest" post:

Is it wrong to want to be away from your family?

And by family, I mean relatives.  God knows, I appreciate having a great extended family but I love my privacy. As you get older and have your own family, it seems harder to stay close to relatives, especially when you have such a large extended family. My mother is the youngest of seven, and my father is the second oldest of four. As you can imagine I have a very large family.

Generally anyone close to my age, I refer to as my cousin and those older as my aunts / uncles. Throughout the years we have scattered all over the world and when I go to events such as weddings, I meet all these relatives that I never knew existed. It is exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. It is just that, I grew up in a different culture and mentality from many of my relatives and to some extent it is hard to find common ground. It is funny in a way because in our culture, family is key, the central point to our life and existence. But at times, I think boundaries would be nice.

I remember one day when I was visiting my aunt and uncle (my mom’s oldest sister) there were asking about my life and made a comment about how my mother was so petite, and how could I be so different. It was a little disturbing since I really only saw them once in a blue moon, and I was only 15 years old.

But that is how family is.

I often say to my friends, if you think I am being brutal just see what it’s like to be in my family.  We used to pick on each other’s insecurities during family dinners as a form of entertainment. That was how we related to one another. The thing is, we love each other and all want the best for one another. But should the normal social boundaries also apply to family? 

No Hitting Allowed

Have you ever seen Fight Club?  It's a horrible crazy movie with Ed Norton (who I love because he's an amazing actor) and Brad Pitt (who I love but who's acting is not that great but he's a great philanthropist).  

The entire movie is about people hitting each other (and themselves).  It's horrible.  Every minute of it was painful to watch.  I just don't understand how anyone could enjoy seeing these guys beating on each other and being cruel throughout the whole movie.

Ever since I was a little girl I would crumble at the sight of people hitting each other.  I remember when I was in elementary school I saw these two eight year old boys hitting each other during recess.  I almost passed out from the stress of it.  Then many years later, I was at a restaurant/club and as we were leaving these two guys in their mid twenties got into a fight and one hit the other so hard the he knocked the guy to the ground.  I remember screaming while looking at his limp body on the concrete outside of the restaurant.  I was screaming so hard that I almost started hyperventilating.  My friends had to drag me away from the scene and calm me down.

Why did you watch this movie if you hate seeing people hit each other you might ask!  Well, I was trying to be a supportive wife.  I get to watch what I want a lot so I was trying to be supportive and watch something my husband wanted.  But I could only take so much.  I finally begged him to change the channel.

I don't get the appeal of violent movies like that.  These are times when it's clear to me that men and women are just made differently.

Mom From 9 To 5

I wouldn't mind the "job" of being a mom if it had set hours.  

If I knew that I could "come home" at six, put my feet up, relax, watch some TV, eat dinner in peace.  Then I would love the mom thing.  I would even not think twice about having more kids.  

But unfortunately, a parent's job is 24/7 and that can be really hard.  I can't complain because I have a great babysitter that helps me out on certain days so I can work or do errands but I can see on my full time mommy days how mentally and physically exhausting it can be to be present for your kids all day.  

Does that sound terrible?  It's not that I don't love being a mother.  I do love it.  It's everything to me, it gives me the biggest joy I've ever experienced.  I enjoy the big life things about it and the little things like playing with them, reading to them, lunch time conversations, and afternoon cuddles but there is no question that it really is the hardest job out there.

In fact, I don't think we should call it a job.  It's so much bigger than that and sadly less recognizable in financial terms.  It's the essence of nature itself.  The mothering of the next generation of life.  It's a bigger responsibility than any job in the world with unlimited commitment. 

I guess that's worth not being able to punch out when six o'clock comes around! 

:)

My Impossible Wish

Is there one thing you wish you could do well but know that no matter how hard you try you will never be able to?

I wish I had a beautiful voice but no matter what I do I will never ever have a beautiful voice.  My voice is average, not good but not hideous.

It's a silly thing to think about but sometimes when I'm listening to an amazing singer, I wonder how it would feel to be able to produce that kind of magic.  What it would be like to open your mouth anytime day or night and sing love or happiness or pain.

I think it would be incredible.  

Is that corny or what?

The Cupcake Coup

If I wasn't totally and utterly exhausted I would post pictures of the cupcakes I made for my son's fourth birthday.

As my son would say, "they were AWESOME!"

Just to be totally politically incorrect, I made "boy" cupcakes and "girl" cupcakes.  The boy ones, which were really for everyone because they had the party themed plastic spiderman figurines on them, were topped with chocolate frosting.  I did the whole cupcake cake thing, which was a total experiment, and it turned out pretty well.  For the girls cupcakes I covered all the cupcakes with white frosting and sprinkled (with my son's help) red, pink and white tiny sugar hearts on them.  They were so cute, if I do say so myself.

My cousin was at the party and she went on and on about how no one would have every guessed that her lawyer cousin would become such a great home maker.  Every times she says that (and she's said it a lot in the last year or so) it makes me feel a tiny bit bad.  She always says it as a compliment but it makes me wonder what kind of image I was portraying to the world before I decided to stay home with my kids and do more of the traditional mom stuff (whatever that means).

Good or bad, I don't really care...I loved making cupcakes for my son's birthday and working like crazy for days just to throw him the best spiderman extravaganza EVER!

Crazytown

Do you sometimes enjoy being crabby?

I start to get annoyed with my husband for something silly and then I get over it but I keep nagging him.

Is that the craziest thing you've ever heard?  

The worse part is that I usually get to a point where the annoying thing has fully passed (and a good think may even happened) and I'm feeling pretty content but I'm so stubborn that I refuse to stop being crabby.  I just keep rolling around in my crabbiness, enjoying ever last bit of it, like it's chocolate melting in my mouth.

And I know while I'm doing it that I can just stop at any time and go back to being normal and happy but I just can't let it go.

This usually goes on until my husband looks at me like I'm nuts or points out that I'm being silly, at which time I start to giggle and agree with him.

Then it's all done.

Welcome to crazytown, population me.

The Madoff Mystery

I've recently become obsessed with Bernie Madoff.  I just can't understand how so many people could have been fooled out of so much money.

The numbers are astounding.  For a really interesting read, take a look at the article co-written by Bernie's long time secretary in the latest issue of Vanity Fair (with Jessica Simpson on the cover).  It's so interesting you won't be able to put the magazine down.  

The article just raised more questions for me and made me want to read more about Madoff.  How he did what he did and what possessed him to do it to cheat so many people, many of whom were his personal friends.  It's really mind boggling. 

I guess I'm naive but I still don't really understand how this could have happened.  We're talking billions of dollars!  How did he do it?  And where did the money go?  It makes no sense to me.  He couldn't have spent all of it.  Even with his extravagant lifestyle he only could spend so much money.  Also he was making real money from his legitimate business so it's not like the ponzi scheme was his only source of income.  

And the notion that his family and long time associates knew nothing about it?  I just can't believe that.  First of all, his secretary of several decades says that she was totally surprised and angry when she found out.  Really? The executive secretaries that I've worked with and have known throughout my professional career could tell you the most minute details of the lives of their bosses both professional and personal.  These men and women depend on their secretaries for everything.  The secretaries are the gatekeepers of everything that goes in and out of their hands so the idea that she know nothing...I just don't buy it.  

And his brother?  The two of them worked hand in hand for several decades building their businesses together.  And he knew nothing about it?  Not likely.

The several dozen people that actual worked on the ponzi scheme business itself (several of whom have mysteriously disappeared since Madoff's arrest) have also claimed that they knew nothing either.  That they were just following orders (where have we heard that before!).

My heart breaks for the people who worked hard all their lives so that they could have a nice nest egg to retire with and suddenly found themselves with nothing.  Nothing to live on, nothing to give their kids, just nothing.  Could you imagine, you're in your sixties or seventies and find out that your entire savings has vanished.  And there is no way to get it back?  What are those people supposed to do?

It's insane.  

Grateful Sundays

Grateful Sundays

I'm copying a blogger I really like, Sherilee from Sweet Tea and Sunshine.  She writes about things she's grateful for every week.  I love reading her lists.  They are sweet and lovely, like herself, and they make me feel positive about the world.  

I haven't ever done a weekly thing before but I just love this concept and I think it's so uplifting.  And I certainly need uplifting in my life so I'm going to give it a shot.  

Things that I'm grateful for at this moment:

1. Legos - They've connected me with my son in a really special way.

2. My husband - For being so patient with me.  I hope I can be a good wife to him.

3. HBO - movie night is so much fun!

4. Moby Dick House of Kabab - My favorite take out, the bread and yogurt dip is amazing, and the rice and chicken are fantastic too.

5. My neighbor - I feel so blessed to have such a lovely woman for a neighbor.  I couldn't have asked for a nicer person to share our lives with.

6. Mondays - I love the chance to start things over again.  There's always hope to be better, happier, more productive, more patient and loving.

7. My Bed - I just love crawling into bed and pulling my big covers over my head.  Sleep is the best!

On that note, I bid you all farewell and goodnight.  

Until tomorrow....

:)