The Blue Pill

Male enhancement commercials really bother me. And not just for the traditional reasons that you might expect, like how they inappropriately pop up on your screen when you're innocently sitting in the afternoon watching TV or how creepy they are depicting a man with a monstrous smile surrounded by a bunch of googly eyed women, and not even because of the male voice overs that talk about how great they are when you're in "the right mood" or for when you're ready for some "adult intimacy." Yikes! And double Yikes. No, these are not the reasons that these commercials really bother me.

They bother me because they remind me of how much more importance society places on male sexual satisfaction than that of women. Our society spends millions of dollars on Viagra research and countless other millions on erectile dysfunction and other male sexuality satisfaction drugs. How much research do you think goes into female sexual satisfaction drugs? Just the question seems absurd. And once we have these male satisfaction drugs, it's a completely acceptable practice to advertise them on TV like they were gum! With no religious right objections or family decency group protests.

Now just imagine if there was a pill that would help women reach greater sexual satisfaction (with a caveat that if the satisfaction lasts more than four hours you should call you doctor...can you even imagine!)? And these were advertised at all hours on TV. Do you think that those commercials would raise controversy from the groups I listed above. You bet they would. There are women in this country that are ostracized by their community or in extreme cases charged with a crime for selling "female sexuality products" like creams, lingerie and other sexual enhancing products, to women in their own homes! They call it immoral and unseemly for women to do such things, selling such (in whispered tones) products.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to these medications for men. If it helps them, great! I understand that women are in great part the beneficiary of these. What I'm opposed to, however, is putting less value on the importance of women's sexual satisfaction. For centuries, women's sexual needs have been put in the shadows, ignored, even opposed. We have come a long way since then I don't think we've gone all the way to true equality.

Pool Envy

I have a problem. I have severe pool envy. I’m talking BAD. Especially on those hot days of summer, when you can see steam rising from the asphalt, I can't think straight obsessing about my fantasy pool. I can almost taste the clean cold body of water. I walk around sweating in the hot sun and envy those lucky people that have a POOL! And I'm not talking about just any pool. I'm talking about the people with huge luxuriously delicious pools right in their backyards (do the rich and famous call it a "backyard?"). I fantasize about them diving in and swimming from one end to the other, all under water, and coming up to feel the coolness of the air on their wet faces! Can you see it? Oh, why can't it be me!?

Well, for one reason, my backyard is the size of a postage stamp! There are ten other major reasons but the size pretty much puts the other reasons to shame. SO, today, instead of just reveling in my daily exercise of envy (which is not very productive apparently!), I decided to do something about it. I bought a small round blow-up pool.

I wasn't sure that it could satisfy even the smallest part of my mammoth pool envy but I was willing to give it a shot. My husband and kids, who could care less about a pool, humored me and made a big deal about blowing up the pool and filling it with water. We all put on our bathing suits and kept talking about the "pool" like it was an Olympic sized luxury pool on the French Riviera (the big plans after nap time..."hey kids, let's all go to the pool!" and "let's take drinks and snacks to the pool!") And God bless those kids, they were so excited, jumping up and down like we were going to George Clooney's pool in Como!

After a full day of hanging out in the teacup sized pool, splashing and playing with the kids, and laughing at our fun Riviera inspired backyard, I realized, to my great surprise, that my pool envy had actually subsided (for the time being). So next time my envy takes hold, I'll just blow up the pool and let the pretend Riviera feeling take hold!

Until Next Time

Life can change in an instant and not until that change happens do we realize how precious the time before that instant was. How before that instant, we had so much to be grateful for but instead we worried about the little things, the things that don't matter. The things we can live without, the things that the passage of time make meaningless.

Nothing puts this in perspective as much as illness. When you (or someone you love) get sick, you look back at the time when you were walking, talking, living with no pain and wonder why you weren't grateful and happy every single moment. You tell yourself that when you get better you will remember this thought and savor every healthy breath. But you never do. Time goes by and you take it for granted again. Until the next time life takes a down turn.

Another thing that puts this into perspective is other people's suffering. There is so much of it and when you let it into your heart, the pain takes a hold and as you feel that pain you also feel an astonishing relief that you are not subjected to that suffering. That's when you really grasp the idea of being grateful for what you have. That too, unfortunately, does not last. Time goes by and you take it for granted again. Until the next time you feel the pain.

I don't want to wait for the next time. I am grateful now. I hope to grateful tomorrow and every day after that. But I am just human. Time will go by and I will take it for granted.

Husband Tattoo

I recently asked my husband if he would get a tattoo of my name. I know...bizarre question. I don't have any tattoos and neither does my husband and neither of us have ever talked about it or, to my knowledge, ever had the slightest desire to get a tattoo. In fact, my family (and I'm pretty sure his) frowns on such an act and I've always found the entire notion of burning a permanent life-long mark into your skin absurd. So why did I ask him this question you ask? Angelina Jolie.

Now if you've read my previous posts, you might be thinking...man, she's obsessed with that woman. I didn't think I was but maybe I am. I just love strong women that are "out-of-the-box" thinkers and doers. And I'm a little obsessed with movie stars in general...I know, please don't hate me, I can't help it! Back to the tattoo....I recently read that while at a conference, Angie (yah, we're close like that!) had doodled some lines and shapes on Brad's back (I know, that in of itself is weird) and he liked it so much that he made them into tattoos. Some kind of life long symbol of their love or connection I guess (in Angie's words "it's meaningful in that it's us making angles and shapes out of each other's body"). I know...BARF!

But it made me think, I love my husband and am committed to him for life but would I put a permanent marker on my body representing him if he asked me to? I really didn't think so but hadn't come to a final decision when I thought...I'll ask my husband and see what he says. I thought for SURE he would say something like, the question was just silly and that he thinks tattoos are ridiculous. That way, my answer of probably not would not seem strange. But he surprised me and actually said, "if you wanted me too." Maybe he didn't actually hear me..."would you get a TATTOO of my name on your body?" Again, with little hesitation he said yes, if that's really what I wanted. Hmmm...now what? Was I crazy to think that no matter how much I love someone I don't want a permanent marker of them on me? Was I not as devoted to our life long bond as him?

As you might have guessed, the answer is none of these...because it's a silly question and tattoos are ridiculous and my lovely husband's answer was the equivalent of "yes dear."

Would you get a tattoo of the person you love on your body?

Should Selfish Women Have Children?

I saw Sex and the City a few weeks ago and I remember thinking how self centered I thought those women (or should I say characters) were...especially Carrie. In the middle of the movie, I was so disturbed by her behavior that I looked around at the women on either side of me to see if they were as disgusted as me. I mean really, how selfish can you be? And she was supposed to be turning 40 in the movie!? Pa Leeease! I kept thinking, what if she wanted to have a baby with Big, that poor child (I know, I know...it's just a movie) but seriously...how could a woman that selfish even think about have children?

Then suddenly, I fell off my high horse, hit the floor and I realized that when I was in my 20s, I loved the SATC and none of Carrie's shenanigans even bothered me...in fact, I found them hilarious and so TRUE! What's changed. For one thing, I'm married and have children. Having children instantaneously forces you to think of someone other than yourself. And when you do that, it opens a whole new world that you never lived in...the world of other, other, other, instead of me, me, me. For another, I'm at least 10 years older and a little wiser (let's hope!).

Granted, not every single woman in her twenties is all about me, me, me but I certainly was. Then I met someone that was kind, generous and thoughtful and I realized that I loved this person enough to start thinking of him first (sometimes anyway!) and then the kids came and it was all over! The entire way I looked at the world (and apparently movies) changed. One day I'm LOVING Carrie Bradshaw and the next I think she's the epitome of selfishness.

So, should selfish women have children? God yes! If not, the world's population would shrink faster than wet wool in the dryer! Of course, not all selfish women make a miraculous transformation the minute they have a baby BUT I would argue that most women change in beautiful and stunning ways. Carrie, I give you permission to have a baby with Big (I'm sure Darren Star is breathing a sigh of relief)!

Outsleeping Your Spouse

I've always thought that sleep deprivation was one of the most effective methods of torture (now before you report me to Amnesty International...hear me out). In fact, I have a torture plan that you might be familiar with (and most of you have probably been subjected to!) OK, here it is. You take the person, make sure they are very weak from an operation or major bodily stress, then you wake them up every two hours and force them to feed a delicate and extremely needy living thing whose life depends on that person's feeding methods, and while they're feeding it, make sure you pinch them continuously in a very delicate area!

Yup, I'm talking about breastfeeding a newborn. Now if that isn't torture I don't know what is! The upside is that you're in love with your beautiful, delicate and totally innocent "torturer" so it makes it all worth it. I remember the first time I thought about the link because sleep and torture. It was a few days after giving birth to my first son. You see, I'm one of those people that LOVES sleep. And I'm not talking about the regular person love of sleep, I'm talking about the way people love chocolate or diamonds. I'm talking L-O-V-E. My husband recently told one of our friends that he's tried several times to "outsleep" me but couldn't do it ("I slept until I just couldn't stay in bed any longer and she slept for another TWO hours" he said in mock amazement).

Now I'm not particular proud of this love of mine. In fact, over the years, I've been a little embarrassed by it. Especially when surrounded by driven successful corporate executives that try to one-up each other on how little sleep they can get and still be the super stars that they are...(now imagine a big manly booming voice)..."I get up at 5:00 am each morning to go running, then I read the WJS and the NYTimes and check my e-mails before I even get into work"..."you get up at 5:00? Wow, you're lucky, that's sleeping in for me! I get up at 4:00 am, go the gym, save the world and end world hunger, all before my 9:00 am staff meeting!" And all I can think is, wow, I'm getting sleepy just listening to these guys talking about sleep.

And it's not just these corporate super stars, a lot of busy people fill their days (and nights) with tons of work and family activities and sacrifice sleep to get it all done. And it is a sacrifice. I know what you're thinking...don't lecture me about sleep...I have kids, I have work, I have a million responsibilities and I just don't have the luxury of eight hours of sleep! Yes, of course, you're busy and you have important things to do for your family, I get that, but I think people generally underestimate the importance of sleep. I'm not the first person by any stretch to say this but I see sleep as one of the best ways to keep healthy and the best thing about it is that it feels great and its FREE (just like another great thing we love to do that's free...but that one can result in the sleep torture we've already talked about!).

So even though I don't shout it from the rooftops, I'm OK with not being as fit, as successful, or as organized as those overachievers that get up at 5:00 am to rule the world, because I'm doing something that is good for me (or that's what I tell myself every morning I sleep in an extra hour instead of doing the million other should-be-doing things!).

Over 35

The feminist movement has done monumentally positive things for women…I don’t dispute that. But what it hasn’t done is educate women enough on what they should be ready to sacrifice if they put their careers ahead of having children. OH NO, what did I say? Did I just criticize the women’s movement? Or was I criticizing career women? Either way, I’m ready for their wrath. Because I’m both a feminist and a career woman and I’m angry that women are not given all the information they need to make one of the most important (if not the most) decisions of their lives. To have a baby.

What we are not told growing up is that biology counts, it matters, it’s real and no amount of equality-between-women-and-men debate is going to change that. If you wait to get pregnant until after the age of 35, you will statistically have a harder time getting pregnant, and if you do get pregnant, your chances of having a healthy baby go down significantly each year (the statistics on this may shock you …they are quite dramatic the older you get). Did you know these things when you were in your 20s? I didn’t. And I was not living under a rock. I was like most women in their 20s and 30s, I had regular check-ups, I read the paper, I read women’s magazines, and I watched popular programs touting advice about health and female happiness. But I didn’t hear in any of those places how dramatically the health risks to both the mother, and more substantially, the baby, went up each year after 35. Or even that conceiving a child becomes substantially harder over 35. See here for statistics and more information.

How did I learn about these risks? Not in a class, or on TV, or while reading an article in the New York Times. I learned about these risks as a result of a phone call from my doctor one winter morning telling me that my blood results had come back abnormal and that my precious baby, nestled warmly in my 20-week belly, had a 1 in 285 chance of having Down syndrome. I was 33. With tears streaming down my face, I called my husband into the room and told him the news. We ended up doing a test (called an amniocentesis which involves a giant needle going into your belly to get necessary fluids for testing…yah, it’s just as scary as it sounds) which tells you with 100% certainty whether you child has Downs or not and our child did not. I could breathe again.

What I’m NOT trying to do it preach to any woman about her decision to have a baby or not or when to have it (trust me, I know what a personal and complicated decision that is), but what I am hoping to do is encourage a dialogue about the biological realities that women face when making choices in their lives…this is what feminism is about (or should be).

Precious Stones

For some people being kind comes so naturally. I know this because I've met a few. I look at them like they're precious stones, because to me they're just as rare. I admire them. I'm thankful for them. I even study them to see if there is something I could pick up that would help me be more like them. The way they have a light heart and a kind smile, no matter who they're talking to and what is going on in their own life. The patience in their temperament and the gentle manner in which they treat others. I used to think that people couldn't actually be that kind, but after many years of being suspicious and hesitant to believe, I finally had to concede that they did actually exist.

You see, that kindness does NOT come naturally to me. And I'm not talking about the easy type of kindness, the one that just flows out of you when you're feeling great and life is rosy. The kind that anyone with even half a heart can show, such as kindness to children or to cute puppies. No, I'm talking about the kindness that is hard. The kind that you have to work at. The kind that you know you should show but because of a million different reasons in your own troubled mind you don't feel like showing. It can be any excuse from as petty as, I've had a hard day or they were mean to me first, to something more serious such as I'm terribly ill and in so much pain or they have hurt me so much that I can't bare to look at them. Most of us use some excuse to be unkind and justify our behavior in some self serving way. It's part of being human I guess, to justify our behavior so that we can feel better about ourselves.

But I know people that don't use those excuses and find a way to be kind, no matter what. And I think in the end, they gain so much more than the rest of us in terms of their own happiness and peace.

So even though it doesn't come naturally to me, I'm OK with working at it.

E-mail Candy

I love e-mail candy! I savor it and only open it when I can't stand to wait any longer to consume it. I look forward to getting it and when I see it all beautiful and bold, my heart skips a quick beat knowing that it has finally arrived. And I know the best part is not even here yet. When I can't wait any longer, I open it and hope that it meets (or even...if possible...exceeds) my expectations. Then I consume it slowly making sure to savor each piece. And when I'm done, I usually have a smile on my face with the memory of it.

At this point you may be asking yourself, what in THE hell is she talking about? I know, usually the words e-mail and candy don't go together but for me, they do! E-mail candy is that sweet electronic correspondence that you've been wishing for and waiting for and wanting so much that you've convinced yourself that you don't even want it! Because, what if you don't get it and you're stuck with thinking about the million reasons why you didn't get it. Was it something you said or did or even worse...something you DIDN'T do or say that left you candyless?

When I was single, most of the e-mail candy came from boys I liked. The anticipation of the e-mail from him and what he might say was excruciating...but in a good way (that is if he actually e-mailed!). But once I got married, the nature of the candy changed. It could be from anyone (even my husband) or about anything as long as it had that SOMETHING that transformed it from a regular e-mail to candy status! An e-mail from an interesting woman you just met in the park that you had an amazing three hour conversation with and hope to connect with again or from an old friend that you had lost touch with but always really loved and wished you could connect with again. It can be from your husband on a special occasion or after a fight from the night before and just at the moment you were thinking about him, you see his name light up on your screen with a wonderful just-the-right-thing-to-say subject line.

I love those e-mails...they keep me young and happy. Sometimes they're surprisingly sweet, somethings they're soothingly sweet and sometime they're bitter sweet but they're always SWEET!

An Almost Passionate Life

The passing of Tim Russert shook many of us. He was so young and full of life. I knew him as most people did, through his shows and his books about fatherhood. After his passing, I watched a lot of the discussions of his life and what amazed me was the passion he had for his life and everything in it. His passion for his job, his passion for his family, even the passion for sports. That's A LOT of passion.

It made me think, is that attainable for the rest of us? Should that be our goal so that we can also live such a full life? Not necessarily. I mean, I'm not opposed to living your life with such passion...if you can do it, all the power to you. And I'm sure some people are lucky enough to feel that powerful energy for everything in their lives. But I think it's something that most of us can't imagine attaining for all the areas of our lives. And maybe that's OK.

It’s hard to “passionately” go to work every day, “passionately” make dinner for your family every night, “passionately” run the numerous errands that need to be done, and "passionately" deal with day to day struggles that come your way. It’s also hard to remember to be grateful day after day and live your life with gusto no matter what obsticles come your way. And to think that somehow you're not living your life to the fullest if you don't have this constant stream of passion can be damaging.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in passion, I belive in the power of positive energy and I think being grateful for what you have is one of the best tools in achieving happiness. And I practice all of these. Sometimes they don't come naturally to me but I still try and I've seen how they can work. But I also think it's important not to make these the markers of a "full life" because most of us don't have all of these, all the time, for everything in our lives but we should still be able to see our lives as full and successful as long as we are doing our own best to live our lives completely.

Floating in Baby Clouds

I was never a baby (or even a child) person. I rarely saw children when I was single and on the rare occasion that I would encounter one, I felt no real connection or desire to spend any time with them. I never knew how to talk to children. What do you say? How do you act? They would look at me with their big eyes and stare at my giant hair (yup…it’s the hair issue again) and sometimes even burst into tears at the very sight of me. That wasn’t exactly a great sign pointing me to motherhood.

But strangely I always wanted children, even more than wanting to get married. Growing up I never imagined getting married but I always KNEW that I would have kids. One reason was that I had such a strong connection with my parents and I couldn’t imagine a life where I wouldn’t pass on that connection to my own children. So, after waiting a long long long time (as my brother described at my rehearsal dinner…yes, he actually said “long” about six times) I finally met a great guy and got married. And a short year later, I was pregnant. I remember reading one those God awful pregnancy books (I still can’t believe I read so many of them) and one of them was talking about how you just instantly fall madly in love with your baby and the world changes colors and you float on clouds because of this great immeasurable love (OK, I might be exaggerating just a bit but not much!). Anyway, while reading this I had serious doubts about how this transformation would happen considering my being a non-baby-or-even-child person.

I had my baby and the book was wrong. I didn’t fall madly in love right away and the world didn’t change colors and I definitely was not floating on clouds (especially right after coming back from the hospital). Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies and I loved them from the moment they were born but I think it’s so hurtful and dangerous to perpetuate the notion that the instant a woman has a baby that her life will magically be filled with love and happiness. Of course, there is love and a lot of happiness along the way but having children is hard work and it starts from the minute you get pregnant and lasts for the rest of your life. So maybe a more realistic expectation would be healthier, especially for first time moms that don’t know what they are embarking on.

Today I was at the bookstore with my boys and my youngest was sitting on my lap. As I read a book to him about the Cookie Monster, I leaned down and smelled his beautiful brown curly hair. Then I did it again. And again. It was intoxicating. That sweet smell can take me into the clouds every time!

Climbing Mount Everest

I recently read an interview with Angelina Jolie and something she said rang a chord with me. When asked about her polarizing persona, she said “I think anybody that makes a decision about where they stand is going to cause strong opinions about them. But I think that's what you should be hoping for in life, so I take that as a very good sign. That some people support me and some people really don't like me tells me that I'm making decisions and I'm standing strong for something I believe in. I'm making choices in life. And that's the right thing to do.”

Maybe to some standing up for what you believe in without fear of judgment or possible repercussions is not an earth shattering thing. But to me it is. It’s like the climbing of Mount Everest of personality traits…so big, so hard, so unattainable. It’s also so beautiful. I love people that are not afraid of taking a stand and saying what they believe in, especially if they know that their opinion will be unpopular. Angie (yah, we’re close like that!) is the extreme of this trait. She’s not only NOT afraid; she relishes it and counts it as proof of her success. Now, I’m not saying that she’s my idol, she’s done enough crazy things for me to hesitate in my public announcements of worship BUT you’ve got to admit, she’s fearless, giving and devours life with incredible gusto.

You might be thinking (as I was when I was writing this) that it’s easy to respect someone that stands up for something you agree with but what about when they’re standing up for or saying something that is abhorrent to you? Do you still respect them for their courage or hate them for their opinion? I don’t know. For me, I try stick as close to the First Amendment defending side as possible but I’m still human and when I hear something that I find wrong or hurtful, I cringe and judge and…yup even hate.

In the end, I think I'm like most people, I'm always struggling between climbing Mount Everest (which I wish I had the courage to do more often) and holding back from standing up for what I believe in for fear of being judged or worse...hated.

New Old Friends

Someone once told me that the friends you make when you are young are the closest friends you will ever have. And I always believed that. Especially as I got older and realized how hard it was to develop the kind of strong and long lasting friendships that I had made when I was young. Maybe it's because when we are young we have more innocent lives and less complicated interests...no husbands, no children, no jobs. Usually, the young are more optimistic and idealistic. These qualities foster relationships that if initiated later in life may not have bloomed.

But what happens when you don't have any of those old friends around? Even if you have a great family life, you need female connections to share your life with, to laugh with, to cry with and to grow with. Girl friends are a must! So you're forced to develop close female relationships in much more complex grown-up environments..at work, in the neighborhood, through your mommy groups or play dates. Each of these have their advantages and flaws and it's hard to know who to trust, who to open up to and most importantly, who to invent your limited time and energy on. It's a gamble. You know that most of these friendships will not last. You know you will be disappointed or you will disappoint at some point in these new endeavors. So is it worth it?

The answer is a resounding YES!! Because even though these friendship may not be the SAME as old friendships they can still be wonderful, warm and loving in their own way. And they are worth it!

Hair Betrayal

I've always thought that blow drying my hair straight was a kind of betrayal of who I was. I have long thick curly hair (think BIG 1980s hair) and if left to its own devises, it's wild and quiet unruly. The feeling of betrayal, however, hasn't stopped me from blow drying my hair for any even mildly important or celebratory occasion. I have the routine down to about 30 minutes from shower to straight smooth shiny hair. And when it's done...wow...I feel like Samson! I have the confidence of a women that's just walked out of a two hour fancy haircut session at her favorite salon. But even with this confidence, there is a small part of me (which I ignore most of the time) that feels like a little bit of a fraud. That's because the smooth straight shiny hair is not really me, the me that I know, the me that is natural and real.

OK, I know, this all sounds a little nuts. You're probably thinking (that is if you're still even reading this) that I'm thinking WAY too much about a silly thing like my hair! But, it's not just about the hair. It's about who I want to be and what I want to represent to the world. I pride myself on being real. From what I say (translate...I say midly inappropriate things sometimes in the spirit of being honest), to how I act (don't even ask...sometimes I wish I could act a little less real and a little more just-fit-in), to what I wear (little to no make up most of the time and my hair up in a bun)! Au natural is my main motto.

So when I blow dry my hair, in some ways I feel like I'm turning my back on the real me and trying to be someone I'm not...someone sleek, chic and instintly appropriate. But then again, maybe a little less real and little more appropriate is not so bad!

Mommy Dating

Mommy dating is alive and well. You might think I'm talking about something kinky but it's actually quiet tame. Mommy dating is the delicate dance that women embark on when they meet each other in the park or the bookstore and try and figure out if they (and their children, and if they're ambitious, their husbands) will become BFFs --best friends forever - or life long girlfriends!

I'm no stranger to mommy dating. In a lot of ways, it's very much like regular dating. In the beginning, it's so exciting. The prospect of having a great new friend who you tell everything to, you have play dates with, BBQs on the weekend and you see your kids grow up together. But, most of the time, it doesn't work out that way. Either it's you or them figuring out that you don't really have that much in common or something she or you did rubs the other in the wrong way. Then it's break up time. Whether you've had two or ten play "dates," it still kind of stings when a mom breaks up with you! There may not be any tears (like there were when we were dating in our 20s) but we still feel disappointed and little more jaded about relationships and new female friendships.

The good news is that, just like dating, every once in while you find a good one. Someone you weren't expecting enters your life and your play dates feel natural and comfortable and before you know it, you have a new great friendship. You still tread lightly and cautiously because you've been hurt before but she surprises you with her honesty and warmth.

A good friend is just as hard to find as a good man...and just as important!

Anger Management

I don't think I really understood the full extent of the words "anger management" until I became a mother. I understood the words separately (trust me, I really understood anger growing up in a family where all emotions were on the table all the time) but I didn't understand them together or more precisely the importance of having them together when you have children.

One of the downsides of having children (oh yes, there are downsides and anyone that tells you there aren't either doesn't have children or is lying) is that you have to give up the freedom to express your anger any way you damn well please. Oh no, when you have children you have to learn an entire new way to deal with anger (at least in front of them). Children, especially small children, don't understand your anger and interpret it only one way, directed at them. SO when your toddler won't stop screaming no matter what you do and you're at a breaking point where anger is rapidly building up like a fiery volcano in your throat, you have to take a deep breath and figure out a way to stop yourself from exploding. It's not easy. Well, it might be easy for some but God knows it's not easy for me.

At that moment when my ear drums are vibrating from the constant crying and my nerves are completely shot, ALL I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs and run as fast as possible out of the house. At that moment, instead of doing what all my muscles and nerves tell me to do, I have to take a breath and fight my anger and fight it hard. I have to swallow the huge lump in my throat and wait for the feeling to go away. And it does. In a few minutes usually. But the effort to get through those minutes is herculean.

I miss that freedom but I'm so thankful that I've found the strength I need to do the right thing (most of the time anyway) for my children and for myself.

Kindness is Surprising

Do you ever get surprised by people's kindnesses. I do. In fact, I even get blown away by the kindnesses of close friends. I don't know what that says about me but when someone does something especially thoughtful or kind for me, I am overwhelmed and so surprised by the gesture. Last night a few of my girlfriends took me out for my birthday. I was expecting at most a dessert with a candle and maybe a few kind off key voices singing happy birthday.

What I got instead was a bunch of lovely kind gestures. One of my friends had e-mailed my brother (whom she has never met and only knows through my facebook page) and asked him to help her create a fun fact sheet game about me, which we all played with tons of laughter and stories. Then she came up with a "get to know your friend" sheet for the group to read at dinner. That along with balloons, gifts and an unnecessary abundance of happy birthday wishes (which were already expressed a week before on my actual birthday). And you know what I was thinking the whole time we were all laughing and having a good time...wow and why? Not that I don't deserve kindness, of course I do (as do most people) but I don't expect it. So what does it say about me that instead of fully enjoying and taking in the being-nice-to evening, I'm wondering why they would go to all the trouble?

I think it says that I don't expect too much from life or from people generally and when good things happen or people are truly kind, it really surprises and makes me happy. And when they're not kind, well....I'm not that surprised. I like that. I'd rather be surprised by kindnesses than to be disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I Didn't Know I Was Green

I don't consider myself a Green person or someone that is out there actively trying to be Green, as my friends will attest. In fact, I didn't start using the famous yellow bucket (it's yellow in our neighborhood) until a couple of months ago...I know, you are shocked and appalled. Don't be. I don't think the judgement part of the Green movement is productive or fair. Not because I don't think people should do what makes sense both for themselves and for the world but because some of the judgement is based on things that are more superficial and about perception and feel-good dressing than reality.

Here's what I mean. Even though I didn't recycle with the yellow bucket and the bottles and paper (I have questions about the recycling market because of all the resources it actually takes to recycle which is counter to the entire notion of saving resources but that's another whole ball of wax we can talk about another day!), I would argue that I (and probably a lot of non-GREEN-perceived people) probably am more green than a lot of people that have been using the bucket for years and love to preach the Green word. Well, like a lot of people, especially in our parents generation, I am always looking for ways to save money which translates to being GREEN! I turn off lights constantly, I use a fan, we have a manual lawn mower, I make sure we eat all leftovers, I don't throw food away without doing everything possible to use it for my family, we reuse plastic, paper and glass containers and bags for other uses, we keep the heating and air conditioner down and I keep almost everything with the thought of making some use of it in our lives (it's actually a problem...I gotta start throwing stuff out!). I also love the farmer's market so I try go and get as much of their products as possible, the food is delicious and it's a great support of our local growers.

Don't get me wrong, I support the spirit of the green movement but I think the message might be better received by a lot of people if it was more about doing what makes sense, being practical and frugal than just being GREEN! :)

What is The Gift?

I was thinking about why I started (or am about to really start) this blog. The answer is that I wanted to give myself a gift for my 37th birthday (which I just had and was lovely although I'm a little terrified about turning 40 in three years...yikes)! I've been talking about writing for years and besides work, I don't write that much. So I thought I'd give myself a gift, this blog, and challenge myself to write every day for a year to see what impact that will have on me, my goals, my life and my spirit. I got the idea of the gift from the recent articles about the woman who gave her husband a "special" gift of marital relations for 365 days. In comparison, this is going to be a lot easier...I HOPE! LOL

Golden Girls Fan

I've always thought that Golden Girls was way ahead of its time. I love GG! Remember Blanche? She so blazed the trail for Samantha. Don't get me wrong, I also loved Sex and the City (and can't WAIT to see it next week) but it makes me mad when people talk about it like it totally revolutionized the image of independent sexual women...I DON'T THINK SO! The subjects that GG tackled during a much more restrictive time were amazing. BUT like I said...I'm still a sucker for the chick flick and will be going to see SATC next week with my girlfriends :)